Fuck You, I'm Building A Time Machine

[...Posted by Ted H]

Holy shit! An early update? What did you do to deserve such love!?!?

Im pretty sure that most of my science terminology in this is accurate. Dont quote me though...
And even I have to admit the swearing is a bit over the top...though I like to think that someone that smart and obsessed would be fucking hostile to naysayers.

...................................

[Fuck You, I'm Building A Time Machine]

Time traveling, mother fucker. It’s possible. Don’t believe me? Well fuck you, too. Scientists today are pussies. They spend too much time ruining everything for everyone. Lightsabers wouldn’t make practical weapons? Dinosaurs had gay ass feathers? Pluto isn’t a planet? What the fuck, man? Hell, we got some scientists who wanna prove we never landed on the moon. Are you fucking serious? We’re at the point where we’re trying to disprove awesome things we’ve already proved? Fuck you!

Anyway, back to time travel. It’s as real as my penis is big, and that prick’s huge. But I can already hear you detesters bitching. Professor Killjoy is probably saying right now “If time travel is possible, then where are all the time travelers?” Well go fuck yourself, Killjoy. I got three theories for ya that’ll knock your socks off and put you in your place.
THEORY FUCKING 1:
They’re idiots and they’re dead.
THEORY FUCKING 2:
They’re premature ejaculators and they’re dead.
THEORY FUCKING 3:
Time travels oldest rival stopped them.
What? You want me to elaborate? Fine, but only because I got the time.

Theory fucking 1: What’s rule fuck 1 of the earth? Ding! Times up fuck nugget. Rule 1 is that it revolves around the sun. Earth revolves around the sun, Sol’s part of the milky way, milky ways a delicious candy bar and its part of the universe, and the universe revolves around me. Got that. That’s rule 1, but for all intents and purposes, all you need to know is that the earth revolves around the sun.

It takes a year for earth to finish one rotation around the good old sun. 150 million God damn kilometers. That’s a long ass distance and it’s a lot of fucking space the earth can be in at any given moment. Every second the planet is moving, so when you travel through time, there is no guarantee that you’ll even be on the planet anymore. That’s right mother fucker, according to my theory, most would-be time travelers spaced themselves like idiots. Some might have even time traveled themselves into the earths core. I know, right? Fucking idiots.

I can already hear you people bitching “Woah woah woah, back the fuck up! How can I even end up spaced in the first place?” What a stupid question. The time stream isn’t exclusive to earth you dipshit. When you hit the reverse switch and go back in time, you’re not just turning the clock back on the earth, you’re also doing so for the entire fucking galaxy. This ain’t like Superman spinning around just the earth-EVERYTHING goes backwards on you. Same rules apply for going forward. When you finish your little time jump, you might not be in the exact spot on earth you left on, but you sure as shit will be in the exact spot you left on in the universe! Solid ground may or may not apply.

Fortunately, there’s an piss easy solution to that. Calibrate the time machine to take into consideration where the earth is at the time of departure and when the earth was in a convenient position in the past. Unfortunately the future is a bit of a crap shoot what with the earths rotation never being an exact. 24 hours and 365 days per rotations? Yeah, those are just averages, not sexy like whole numbers. It usually takes the earth over an extra quarter of a day to complete a fucking round trip, hence the leap year, but its actually more inaccurate than that. The details are minute but suffice to say, the farther into the future you venture, the bigger risk you’re taking with your ass. Lets not even talk about the variations of rotation angles or the role the moon may play in fucking with us. Eliminate that fucker and all hell could break loose.

But yeah, calibrate. It’s a buzz word, but I doubt you could understand the exact terminology. What it means that no, you don’t get to pick the exact day and time you travel to, but that’s the price you pay for a safe trip. But hey, if you really wanna travel back 6 months in time willy nilly, be my guest, just don’t bitch when you come out the other side and are on the other end of the fucking galaxy. Wait, no, you wont complain. You’ll be fucking DEAD.

Theory fucking 2: So now you have a fully functioning time machine. Good for you. Now what are you going to do? Same thing you’d do with a sports car the first time you’re on the open road: See what this baby is capable of. How far and how fast can you go? Well, I guess speed ain’t no big thing in time travel, but fuck, lets see what happens in 1,000 years. How about 2,000, 3,000, 4? Shit, lets go right into Armageddon!

No ones making a trip to December 21, 2012 just to say hi. And when they get there and realize that the Mayans were full of shit, they’re not just gonna go home, they’re gonna keep going forward until they find some doomsday, because they‘ve got a hard on for destruction and you don’t schedule a trip through time just to leave with blue balls. Hell, I doubt you plan to return from that kind of trip anyway. Shit man, its doomsday, kinda hard to imagine the mortality rate for something like that being anything less than 99.9999999%

But that’s where about half of all successful time travelers are right now, dead in the future because they couldn’t hold their load and just HAD to see how it all ends. Well, lucky them, they were there in person but they didn’t get to write home about it. Hell, in about 900 million years, there wont be anymore oxygen on the planet. I’m betting most time travelers don’t plan on that shit happening. But wait, who would be that dumb? Everyone would be, because that’s what you do, you look to see how it all ends.

Like I said, half of these idiots are in the future where there’s nothing but ruined cities, piles of time machines and a bunch of rotting dumbasses with no oxygen (except the rotting would be no different, cuz ya know, no fucking oxygen!). What about the other half? Eaten by a T-Rex, because lets face it, dinosaurs are fucking awesome, and I’m pretty sure Jurassic Park wasn’t an inaccurate representation of what a T-Rex would do if he bumps into you while you’re taking a shit. There’s a certain point when you go back in time that you decide “Well shit, I just gotta see me some fucking dinosaurs!” and after that, its already over.

Either that, or you’re one of those shits who wants to go back to when life first crawled out of the primordial soup. Good luck with that since there isn’t really an exact date to reference and you’re all but guaranteed to overshoot your target and end up in the real fucking early days when all there was were boiling oceans and fucking lightning. Boiling oceans and lightning. Have fun with that. Don’t believe me? Well how the fuck do YOU make soup?

This problem has yet another piss easy solution, way easier actually. It’s simple, really: keep it in your pants. Trust me, the end of days isn’t survivable, the early days of life isn’t exactly exciting and watching some guy bite it in Jurassic Park is much more entertaining than you yourself getting killed by a dinosaur. Have some fucking practicality for once and maybe we’ll have a time traveler actually survive.

Theory fucking 3: Paradoxes. They are to time travelers what Khan was to Kirk. A bunch of time travelers are not actually time travelers because of this little fucker. Whats so hard to get about paradoxes? Ok then, you fucking slut, here:
-Lets go back and kill Hitler.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to the 1930s.
-Kill Hitler.
-Hitler is dead, there exists no future reason to build time machine.
-Time machine is never built.
-Hitler isn’t actually dead.
-But now we have a reason to build a time machine.
-Build a time machine.
-Go back to PARADOX! OH FUCK!!! UNIVERSE IMPLODES!!!
-Reset!
-Everything happens again, except that your grandfather gets a brain aneurysm when he’s 20, never meets your grandmother, and thus, you are never born. It’s the universes way of preventing you from fucking everything up, you little shit.

So, Hitler would be dead a million times over by now if it weren’t for continuity. Paradoxes are common from careless time travelers, and tend to reset everything so you don’t go around imploding the universe. Let’s just concentrate the most important one to avoid: paradoxing your time machine out of existence.

See, if you build a time machine to go back in time to prevent something, then you eliminate the reason you built the time machine in the first place. Imagine the equation x + y = z …X is the event in question, Y is you building the time machine, and Z is you using the time machine to prevent the event in question.

So if that’s the case, you just eliminated x, turning it into y = z. Which is like dividing by 0, which OH SHIT! YOU DIVIDED BY ZERO AND CAUSED ANOTHER PARADOX! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!
-Reset.
You gotta stop imploding the universe.

Look, the only way to create a time machine with no strings attached is to make a time machine for the sole purpose of creating a time machine. It’s seriously the most piss easy thing of the piss easy things I’ve mentioned.

Maybe you do it because you’re bored, but boredom is infinite. No matter what you do, you will eventually become bored, so creating a time machine out of boredom is kosher. But the fool proof way of preventing a paradox is to just make the God damn time machine because you want a God damn time machine. Oh sure, maybe you eventually use it to prevent a past event, but then whatever paradox you create wont erase your time machine from history, thus freeing you up to create other paradoxes, you bastard.

Just don’t create the time machine out of some desperate need to prevent a past event because I’ll be seriously pissed off if we need to reset the universe three times in this article.


So, in recap, time travel is totally possible because I said so. And if you don’t believe me than fuck you. I’m gonna build one just to build one, then go back in time and get to this very day where I can break into your cars in the parking lot and steal all your shit while you’re in hear listening to me. How do you like that, bitch? Yeah. Remember that CD in your car you really like? Well its mine now! So is all your fucking change!